Monday, April 11, 2011

Some semblance of normalcy?

So the last few weeks have been slightly peaceful.  At least no more issues have arised in regards to my oldest's father and it appears that I am getting no where in the Child Services world either.  As frustrating as it is, at least there is something on file there if I ever need to refer to it in court.  For now, Blake seems to be ok with his situation, although he does still hate being around his stepmom.  Who can blame him?  It isn't like she is all that loving towards him. 

This week is a busy one for me.  I am subbing 4 out of 5 days!  Thank goodness, because I don't know how on earth I am going to catch up my car payment or anything else for that matter.  Times are so tough right now.  I don't know one minute to the next what is going to happen.  And I have health issues that need taken care of, but I can't afford to tack on any more bills.  We're barely making it as it is.  These double house payments are killing us.  I need new clothes, I need shoes, heck, I need a haircut!  These are luxuries I cannot afford. 

So, since there is no drama in my life at the moment, I am forced to focus on my self.  I feel so ugly now that I weigh nearly 200 pounds and I feel like no one really likes me anymore.  I have a few loyal good friends who aren't concerned with my looks, but these young teachers I work with make it so hard.  I look in the mirror and see FAT.  I can't seem to accept myself the way I look now.  I gained soooo much weight with my last child.  I still wear a size 16, and I can't stand the fact that nothing fits right. I also can't stand the fact that they don't make pretty clothes for us larger gals, unless of course you can afford to spend a ton of money on clothes, which I can't.  *Sigh* It's really frustrating, but I don't exactly have the energy or know how to lose the weight.  I try desperately to eat right, but I can't tell you how many times we've ended up eating at McDonald's because we just didn't have time to cook a meal.  I am too self-conscious to go out in my neighborhood to walk, and figure I wouldn't lose all that much anyways.  I've given up pop, only to watch the pounds stay put.  I LOVE my pop.  I've tried to change to healthier choices, but they are so expensive!  What's a fat girl to do????? Thank heavens my kids love me no matter what!  I wouldn't give them up for anything, even if it means I am a fat chick for the rest of my life!  I just have to find a way to be ok with it!!!

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