Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I never know which way is up anymore!

I know I haven't posted lately, but I've been pretty busy trying to stay sane.  Is that even possible?  I'm beginning to think not! So, in the never ending saga that is my divorced life, my ex decides to send me a text requesting my help today.  It drives me nuts that I am expected to bend over backwards to help them out, but if I need something from them, I am interfering with their life.  *SIGH*  So, I have decided to be the bigger person and help them tonight.  Granted the request wasn't daunting or anything...they were requesting to pick Blake up past the time that I would have dropped him off at their house this evening.  But, we are supposed to be going by our divorce papers, per their request.  Hence, I never know which way is up anymore when it comes to their bi-polar mood swings.  Tomorrow I will somehow be the devil in their eyes once again.  It's exhausting.  Divorce sucks.  The worst part is that the next time we get into a fight, they will throw this back at me, saying that they did ME the favor.  Again, divorce sucks!  Especially for the kiddos. 

On a brighter note, my other son always finds ways to make me laugh and smile.  (Not that my oldest doesn't as well, but he is in the midst of teenage angst, so he frustrates the snot out of me these days!)  Easter was so much fun for him...he enjoyed looking for eggs, even though they had nothing inside of them!  He could have done that all day if we had let him!  He didn't care about candy, but he sure loved the Hot Wheels and ball that he got!  Oh, and running around grandma's yard!  That is probably his favorite thing to do!  He just loves grandma's house...and grandpa is most likely his best pal! 

Two weekends before Easter we took Ethan to an Easter Egg hunt sponsored by Parks and Rec and Target.  It was FREEZING cold!  Once he figured out what he was supposed to do, there was no stopping him!  He wanted to collect all the eggs!  I remember when Blake was that age; he wanted nothing to do with the Easter Bunny- he was terrified of him.  Ethan though, he thought the Easter Bunny was pretty cool.  He kept looking up at the tall rabbit, smiling and thinking who knows what in that little mind of his.  If and when I ever figure out how to post pics, I will post a pic that we did take of Ethan with the Easter bunny.  I had to stand with him in order to get the picture, but we got one! 

Ok, that is it for now....I have to get my bum to bed so I can be bright eyed and bushy tailed for the first grade class I am subbing for tomorrow!  Until the next time, live well, laugh often and loudly, and make time to dance! 

Monday, April 11, 2011

Some semblance of normalcy?

So the last few weeks have been slightly peaceful.  At least no more issues have arised in regards to my oldest's father and it appears that I am getting no where in the Child Services world either.  As frustrating as it is, at least there is something on file there if I ever need to refer to it in court.  For now, Blake seems to be ok with his situation, although he does still hate being around his stepmom.  Who can blame him?  It isn't like she is all that loving towards him. 

This week is a busy one for me.  I am subbing 4 out of 5 days!  Thank goodness, because I don't know how on earth I am going to catch up my car payment or anything else for that matter.  Times are so tough right now.  I don't know one minute to the next what is going to happen.  And I have health issues that need taken care of, but I can't afford to tack on any more bills.  We're barely making it as it is.  These double house payments are killing us.  I need new clothes, I need shoes, heck, I need a haircut!  These are luxuries I cannot afford. 

So, since there is no drama in my life at the moment, I am forced to focus on my self.  I feel so ugly now that I weigh nearly 200 pounds and I feel like no one really likes me anymore.  I have a few loyal good friends who aren't concerned with my looks, but these young teachers I work with make it so hard.  I look in the mirror and see FAT.  I can't seem to accept myself the way I look now.  I gained soooo much weight with my last child.  I still wear a size 16, and I can't stand the fact that nothing fits right. I also can't stand the fact that they don't make pretty clothes for us larger gals, unless of course you can afford to spend a ton of money on clothes, which I can't.  *Sigh* It's really frustrating, but I don't exactly have the energy or know how to lose the weight.  I try desperately to eat right, but I can't tell you how many times we've ended up eating at McDonald's because we just didn't have time to cook a meal.  I am too self-conscious to go out in my neighborhood to walk, and figure I wouldn't lose all that much anyways.  I've given up pop, only to watch the pounds stay put.  I LOVE my pop.  I've tried to change to healthier choices, but they are so expensive!  What's a fat girl to do????? Thank heavens my kids love me no matter what!  I wouldn't give them up for anything, even if it means I am a fat chick for the rest of my life!  I just have to find a way to be ok with it!!!